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My Four Phases: Black Feminism, Activism, No and Art

So I’ve decided I’m gonna start having phases. I don’t really know why I’m calling them phases, but let’s call them phases. Let’s go with it… anyway. So it’s really about stepping outside the box and drawing squiggly lines. The kinds of ones I would have drawn before I hit my mid-20s. And since then, I’ve been like middle of the road, straight and narrow.

But now I want to have these phases. And the reason for that is because I feel like I’ve been a little bit boxed for quite some time, a little scared to stick my leg outside of the line. You know, I feel like I’ve quenched a lot of myself to be palatable and to fit other people’s boxes. But now I’m going to learn so much more about myself.

So I’m prepared to get things wrong. Drastically wrong, perhaps. Or maybe not. And definitely flip a finger up to being liked by people. Being my unfiltered self is the only way I will be able to learn more about myself. I mean, I’m 47 for Pete’s sake. If not now, when will I get the balls to do the things I really, really want to do? And honestly, they’re not even that risqué to some of the daredevils among you.

So, one of the things I’m stepping into is activism, which is kind of odd because for a few years I openly voiced that I’m not the chained-to-the-picket-fence type of a gal, but I have always harboured a desire to be, at the very least in conversations around racial inequality, which in actual fact, I’ve come to realise, is a form of activism. Now, I do know enough to have thoughts, some understanding, but not enough to hold a really solid intellectual conversation. And I mean, I used to work with the School of Pan-African Thought, which is where I’ve gained the foundation, but I think that era of my life happened for this era where I’m really leaning in.

So I’ve started reading David Olusoga’s Black and British: A Forgotten History. I’ve also got books by Kehinde Andrews, Akala, Reni Addo-Lodge lined up, so please feel free to recommend me books in the comments. I will be adding them to my Amazon wishlist.

Now, the next phase is my Year of No. So for roughly a year at the very least, I will be toughening up and saying no to people and their requests. I’ll be standing in my truth and not doing things because other people think I should, and me not backing down because I don’t want them to think I’m not a very nice girl. And that’s already started. Really. If you’ve read or listened to my previous post about the two men who royally peeved me off, then you’ll know I’m well into this phase. This phase has also meant that I’ve left a couple of institutions that I no longer think serve me. I don’t actually think I’ll have much more “no-ing” to do. But let’s see.

Now, another phase I’m into is Black feminism. So I think I’m a feminist, but I don’t actually know what that means. And from information that I’ve gleaned over the years, Black feminism might be the best lane for me to take as a beginner. So the book I’m reading to fuel this phase is Brittney Cooper’s Eloquent Rage.

Now, admittedly, this whole Black feminism thing feels quite far left because it pushes me outside my usual way of thinking and being. I’m being made privy to lifestyles, conversations, and issues I had no idea even existed, and so I’m feeling a little bit naughty for it. But that’s exactly what has held me back for all these years. You know, all these little phases. As innocent as they seem, it makes me feel a little bit rebellious. I’ve been in a bubble for so long, and it seemed like everything outside that bubble was either unorthodox or a complete waste of time.

And I didn’t want people to say, “Oh, you know, Bess is a weirdo. She’s going off the rails. She’s a real rebel.” I think some people are gonna think that anyway. But I understand if I’m going to transcend into a better me, this work is really, really important. I really have to lean in fully because only then will I understand who I really am.

You know what’s going on in the world? What am I going to say no to next? Or maybe yes. And most importantly, I can figure out how I can use what I’ve learned to empower others. Do you know what I mean?

Okay, so at the same time I’m reading You’ll Never Believe What Happened to Lacey. It’s supposed to be a funny take on racist encounters in America by one of two sisters. And yes, I do like to read a few books at the same time. It keeps me from getting bored. Anyhow, this book was actually chosen for book club, so I kind of don’t have a choice, but it’s equally useful to my phases.

Now, quite honestly, I find this one hard to relate to, but it does give incredible insight into the African American experience of racism. I’ve never faced much overt racism myself, certainly not to the degree written about in this book. But actually I’ve learned quite a bit about whiteness, and also that perhaps I haven’t recognized racism for what it was some of the time.

So, for example, whilst reading the book, I remember an experience many, many years ago where I managed three teams, each with their own supervisor. Now the woman who hired me left her role after about a week or two of me starting. Now her replacement — and I think this really does matter — was South African and she was close to and made it known she thought highly of one of my team leaders who was also South African, and she made me feel as though my team leader could do my job. Probably better than me is what she made me feel like.

Now this woman and other colleagues… well, primarily her, set me up to fail. She made my work impossible, a job that I could have done walking on my head. The job I came from was so much harder. But I was taken aback when, during my performance review, you know the one they do when they want to fire you legally, she told me how inadequate she thought I was, and I was even more shooketh when she set up a meeting, and my colleagues were there to support her in a negative appraisal of me.

I couldn’t believe it. I was set up. This had never happened to me before. I’d always had stellar reports. And the backstabbers?!?!. Now it did cross my mind. Is this because I’m Black? But I didn’t really have the consciousness to frame it as racism back then. I just told myself she doesn’t like me and she wants her South African friend in the job.

And I quickly left before I was fired. But the book definitely had me looking back at that situation and seeing things differently.

Now I have a fourth phase, and I don’t really know why I’m calling these phases. It’s beginning to sound nonsensical. But I do feel like a rebellious teenager, and it’s only because of this bubble that I’ve been in. Anyway, the fourth phase — Art. So I listen to all sorts of music. Normally, I go to art galleries, theatre, and you do learn lots in these spaces, but the priority in the past has always been for entertainment purposes.

So, let’s take Beyoncé, for example. I’ve listened to her songs before, but now I’m listening to her songs with so much more intent because her work isn’t just music, it’s political, it’s activism, it’s empowerment. And there’s also Cardi B who surprises me now. I first watched her on Rhythm and Flow on Netflix. I think that was earlier this year or perhaps last year, and she was a panellist helping to scout new rap talent, and on that show, I thought she was incredibly cute and funny.

As she says on her upcoming album. So when she began pre-launching said album, I decided to tune in. Loved the song that I mentioned on it. What’s it called? Imaginary Players. I know Cute and Funny is from outside, which is also a great song. I think I started to really tune in from that song. And then she launches… she does the pre-launch of this upcoming album. I’m like, yes, sold. So I went back and listened to a few albums or a few songs from her previous albums.

I’m not sure people really get her, and I know the recent court case has given her so much more visibility, but for me, her work is female empowerment. It’s empowerment. I love the way she raps. I love the style of music. Obviously her fashion, because she owns the game. But most of all, this woman inspires me through her lyrics. She keeps me on the grind.

I use the term grind loosely. Perhaps I will share why later. However, Cardi B is not just cute and funny. But it’s not just Beyoncé and Cardi. I’ve got a whole range and genre of artists I will be paying attention to. I’m focusing on artists who are really changing the narrative, adding to the narrative, empowering and telling stories, informative stories and being incredibly artistic, avant garde, out of the box rather than just being mainstream and selling popular music. I want to be inspired by artists, by visual and audio artists.

So I’ll be going to galleries more often, being intentional about expanding my awareness and creativity, and surrounding myself with work that fuels me on a deeper level.

So I have four phases — learning about racial inequality, my Year of No, Black feminism and art. And fortunately, this will now mean less scrolling on the idiot box. Isn’t that what Roald Dahl called TVs? And pretty much now we have the idiot box welded to the palm of our hand in a new form, the smartphone.

So, I’ll be doing so much more reading, studying, growing because honestly, my vision is bigger than me. I want to be bigger than I’ve ever been. I want to be the woman who is equipped enough to help others feel equipped, empowered, and ready to make massive changes in their lives.

So yeah, watch this space. Call it a phase or four phases. Call it crazy, but this might just be the year… well, 365 days… give or take, that makes me more of me.