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Patriarchy in Public: A Lesson from One Couple’s Conversation

I don’t know why we women do this to ourselves. Well, actually, at the end of this, I’m going to share what I think is going on. But the point is, we’ve got to stop.

Anyway, I’m on my way to choir rehearsal the other day, and I’m on the train. And this couple gets on. Now, I’m going to say this, and I know we’re not supposed to, but let’s be real. We all do it behind closed doors, just because it adds a little bit of interesting context.

It’s not always racist. Although sometimes it is, let’s not lie. But a lot of the time, it’s just context. So I’m going to do it. The woman’s white, youngish, and the man’s evidently older, Jamaican from his accent.

“Why am I pointing out their ages and their heritage? It’s just so you can picture the scene.”

I’m thinking probably 60 or 65. And I will say this, because I know people will still ask: why am I pointing out their ages and their heritage? It’s just so you can picture the scene, and it adds context to the dynamic of their relationship. They’re from two different worlds, and they’ve found themselves together through circumstance.

Now, she’s probably in her early thirties. Maybe even late thirties, early forties. I’m not sure. I’m not really looking at them. I’m just guessing because, during the racket they’re making, she mentions that when she was 29 she made some foolish mistake.

And honestly, I’m sitting there thinking, twenty-nine?! Because she shares what the mistake is to the whole carriage. I’m thinking, twenty-nine is still a bit old to be making that sort of mistake. But fine. Whatever. So I’m going to place her in her late thirties, early forties from that. Let’s hope she’s had enough time to figure it out and be a bit more clued up on life.

So yes, they both get on and they sit in the seats adjacent to me. You know those ones, the three facing three, or four facing four. Not sure. Anyway, I’m in the two-seater, facing the direction of the train, and they’re just off to my right in my peripheral.

Up until that point, I’d been sitting nice and peacefully in my inner stillness. But obviously, that’s all out of the window now, because they get on talking really loud.

“Up until that point, I’d been sitting peacefully in my inner stillness. But that’s out of the window now.”

Mostly it’s her. And they’re drawing attention to themselves. From what she’s saying, you can pretty much piece together their life. They’re struggling. They are more or less homeless. No fixed abode. Moving about. Scraping by. You can gather all of this by what she’s divulging.

So they start talking about money and how they’ve got a little bit left, and they’re going to keep some of it back after they get home and buy the food — quote unquote, “food.” We all know what they mean by that. Let’s not act like we don’t.

And she’s saying all sorts of stuff she really shouldn’t be. And so is he, really. But it appears to me she’s just trying to have an upbeat conversation, keep the energy light and jovial.

But him? After everything she says, in this inebriated and irritating manner, he shuts her down. He’s slurring his words. He calls her stupid. Foolish. Idiotic. Over and over again. And it’s pretty annoying, especially since she actually sounds to be the more sober of the two of them.

She’s certainly nicer. And at one point she even asks him, “Why are you being so angry?”

And I’m sitting there thinking, well, angry is not quite the word I’d use. He’s more than that. He’s downright mean. I think she chooses that word just so she doesn’t provoke him. Like she’s cushioning his behaviour, tiptoeing around it.

Anyway, he retorts, “It’s because you won’t shut up.”

And although it’s nasty, he is right. I mean, just shut up. He’s not worth your energy, and you are actually too loud.

But more than that, I cannot get my head around the idea that she’s not embarrassed that he’s talking to her like this, within earshot of another woman. I would be mortified. But she’s just carrying on. And she is allowing him to call her all these names.

“She’s carrying on talking. Carrying on being nice. Carrying on at the top of her voice.”

Eventually, I decide I’ve got to get up and leave the carriage. Not so much because of their loud chitter-chatter, but also because I start having these visions that the two of them are going to turn on me and mug me.

I know it sounds judgmental and far-fetched. But is it far-fetched? The thing is, I saw on TikTok that people are blowing some sort of knockout powder in your face, and it makes you go all woozy. And then they nick your phone on the train. So I’m on high alert.

Anyway, I get off to get on another carriage. Partly because I’m paranoid and partly because I’m sickened by his treatment of her. It’s annoying. It’s awful. I feel a bit snooty. I don’t know why I’m getting off, I just feel like it’s so judgmental of me.

But you just have to go with your gut, because you never know. I mean, it’s quite possible he hardly even noticed me sitting there.

Or maybe they were getting me to drop my guard. You know, having this carry-on at the top of their voices. Shuffling bags around. Getting up and down. Being mean to one another. Going on about their antics and their escapades. Making a whole performance of it all, just to get me to be nosy. Drop my guard.

And then they both pounce on me. The two of them overpower me and mug me for my iPhone 16. Who knows. Anyway, I’m on another carriage now while you lot figure it out.

“The reason women allow men to do this is because we do not understand our power.”

But the thing is this. The reason women allow men to do this, to put us down, talk to us in a dreadful manner, drain us, use us, and abuse us, is because we do not understand our power. And we do not give ourselves enough credit.

Do you know who we are? We are givers of life. Whether we hope to, want to, or not, our bodies create human beings. And in my mind, that’s absolutely massive.

We also have this immense capacity to love, to nurture, to care, to educate, to build, to create. And whenever we are with a man, we elevate him. That is the truth.

Even if you marry up, even if you are the one financially and materially benefiting from the relationship, you still manage to elevate the man. You make him look good. That’s what we do. Even the Bible says, “He who findeth a wife findeth a good thing.” Because we women, we add. A good woman always adds. She rarely, if ever, takes away.

But this is the thing. We live in a patriarchal society. Religion, laws, creeds, systems, influences. Everything is filtered through patriarchy. And in that system, women have been made not to see themselves for who they really are. We’ve been taught to think we are less.

And because of that, we do not stand in our power. We do not step into the fullness of what we carry. We let men sit across from us on trains and tear us down in public earshot. And instead of rising up and saying, “Enough,” we keep smiling, keep talking, keep trying to be nice.

“We women are so much more powerful than we allow ourselves to believe.”

But we women, we are so much more powerful than we allow ourselves to believe. And until we understand that power, this cycle will continue.

It’s time to stop.

It’s enough.