Leadership Is Not a Popularity Contract

Erotic.
What does that word mean to you?

For most, it evokes intimacy, sensuality, suggestive experiences.

In When I Dare to Be Powerful, Audre Lorde uses the erotic to introduce a different idea entirely: the power of being fully alive and deeply connected to everything we interact with in our lives. Our relationships. Our work. Our hobbies. She is careful to point out that interpreting the erotic solely through the lens of sexual stimulation diminishes its force. Rather, she describes it as living fully as oneself, a deep knowing of the true self. It becomes visible through an honest relationship with one’s life. Which work fulfils you? Which relationships deepen you? Which actions drain you?

This concept resonates strongly with my own work dismantling internalised societal structures that left me unconsciously seeking permission to be myself. Reclaiming identity, authority, alignment, and the internal signal over external structure has brought self-trust and inner peace. Disentangling inherited narratives shaped by societal and patriarchal expectations gradually revealed a clearer internal compass. A journey that began as a personal reckoning revealed something structural.

This dynamic is not confined to the personal sphere. It appears repeatedly within organisational systems. Inner authority is often diluted by expectations to seek validation, recognition, or agreement before acting. Confidence becomes contingent upon external feedback. Leaders look calm until they must take responsibility. The result frequently manifests as decision lag, process dependency, or retreat into familiar methods because they feel safer. Effort is then increased in an attempt to compensate, though effort alone rarely resolves structural misalignment.

One of the most challenging signals of disconnection from internal authority is subtle. People around such leaders slowly begin to mistrust them. There may not be overt conflict, but there is hesitation. Communication becomes guarded, and energy is redirected toward interpreting leadership capability rather than progressing work. Competency is not in question here. Doubt manifests from inconsistency between conviction and execution, or delays between stated direction and enacted action. Over time, the uncertainty extends beyond operational judgement. Individuals begin to question whether their needs, perspectives, or contributions are being considered at all. Momentum slows but resistance is not the cause. Confidence in leadership coherence has weakened.

This inconsistency often emerges when confidence is shaped by external structures rather than internal signals. When confidence is derived from validation, recognition, or consensus, it tends to manifest as projection rather than grounding. Communication becomes calibrated toward approval. Decisions are softened to avoid friction. Presence is managed rather than inhabited. While this can create the appearance of capability, it produces behavioural instability that others perceive intuitively. Over time, conviction appears conditional, and organisations absorb the resulting hesitation through slowed execution, diluted ownership, and cautious momentum.

Conversely, confidence based on internal authority is rooted in personal clarity, not external validation. It does not require constant reinforcement because its reference point sits within self-alignment rather than response. Authority is internalised. Communication becomes clearer. Decisions are taken with steadiness even when outcomes remain uncertain. Responsibility is inhabited rather than negotiated. This type of assurance steadies the environment by reducing doubt for others. Trust builds more easily. Collaboration becomes more direct. Execution gains pace. In this sense, alignment is the flow between inner truth and outer behaviour, allowing leadership presence to function as structural capability rather than performance.

Seen through this lens, Lorde’s articulation of the erotic offers more than personal insight. It invites reconsideration of how organisations interpret authority, confidence, and decision-making. Where internal knowing is suppressed, compliance may increase, but conviction diminishes and there is organisational cost. Where it is recognised, leadership becomes clearer, steadier, more effective and there is operational efficiency.