I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships lately. For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted that call, “You at a moment, friend.” You know, the one you meet for a glass of wine, music by candlelight, intellectual conversation. Or even rave till six in the morning once in a blue moon kind of gyal. I’ve wanted that kind of connection forever.

But it’s easier said than done, isn’t it? Especially when you’re in your forties and above. And a lot of my over-40 friends don’t want to come out at a moment’s notice. They’ve got things going on in their lives, plus they’re tired and their bodies ache at the mere thought of raving.

And my younger friends don’t always share the same taste in music and places of interest as me. Come to think of it, neither do my older friends. I’m an old-school Garage raver. I’m talking anything I can find under the Vauxhall arches on a Saturday. Aquarium, followed by Twice as Nice on a Sunday.

And then obviously there’s the practicality. Distance, where we live, how far things are, or what we’d rather spend our money on. There are so many moving parts.

But I am yearning for intimate, soul-nourishing conversation. Women who like the same kind of fun. Music, books, wine and fashion. Style, art, theatre, travel while staying at luxurious villas of course. Meaningful chatter. Have I said that already?

But if I’m honest, I don’t think I’m very good at making friends. My history shows that most of my friendships have been started by the person who approached me. But oftentimes they’re people I’m already interested in. I’m already thinking, “I want to know them more.”

But naturally, I’m quite a self-contained person. I suppose it’s because I’m a Sag. I enjoy my own company and my personality needs space to step away sometimes. And part of me thinks that if I’m the one who initiated the friendship, that person might expect more from me than I know how to give. It feels like an excuse, but it’s kind of honest at the same time.

One thing I’ve also realised about myself is that I need to get better at accepting love. I used to think I didn’t like being love-bombed. Now I understand that even the slightest bit of female affection frightens me. Sometimes I freeze internally and recoil. I want to run away. I feel like if I reciprocate, it’s too much. In fact, what I’m receiving is too much.

Maybe it’s something to do with my childhood. I didn’t receive much affection growing up, so giving and receiving is unfamiliar territory. It feels too much, but it’s certainly something I’m learning to become more comfortable with.

The thing about friendship is all of us have our weaknesses. One of mine being unintentionally standoffish because I recoil at affection. But for a friendship to work – like really work – we kind of have to accommodate the other person’s weakness, overlook it a little, don’t you think?

I certainly know the type of friendships I don’t want. And I think that’s really important. As I continue looking for people I genuinely want to spend meaningful time with and have good, lasting, authentic relationships with. These are the things I’m learning about myself – about what I want and don’t want.

And here are a few thoughts about the way I’m approaching friendships from now on. One or two of these might sound a bit shallow, but humour me.

Firstly, when forging new relationships we mustn’t define the relationship as “besties” after a week or so. Because it’s all fun and exciting in the beginning, isn’t it? We have to allow these things to marinate, be built over time. All that charm during that first lively encounter, after a few glasses of wine and belly laughs and shared secrets and careless abandon – it’s just not enough. We don’t actually know the other person yet. They don’t know you either. So the relationship needs time to breathe like a good wine. It needs time to open up, to reveal its real notes, its real texture, its true flavour. A few interactions for both of you to understand how the other person moves through the world. So let’s take our time to really get to know one another. Let it grow naturally, enjoy it, savour it along the way.

Secondly, know thyself. You can’t really decide the kind of friend you want if you haven’t spent time getting to know yourself. And that’s something I’ve really taken time to do. I spend time with myself, knowing what I enjoy and how to enjoy it. I don’t feel like I have to be switched on or perform a personality. You know yourself really well. And you’ve got nothing to prove when you know yourself. Be still, be silent, meditate, get to know you. Love you. Be your own friend. Take yourself out. It’s the only way you’re really going to know what you crave from a deep, intimate relationship.

Thirdly, I made a list. Mentally I made a list. And I don’t think that’s odd at all. It’s quite useful to know what kind of friend you’re actually looking for – personality, values, aspirations, how they spend their time. Even their sense of style and fashion. I know it’s supposed to be all about the inside, but from my experience it matters. And yes, it works the other way too. Any complaints, please send to customer service.

So what about you? What has friendship looked like for you at this stage of life? Are you looking for something deeper? Found it already? What can you advise us girlies? What do we need to do to find our long-term girlies? Or are you still figuring it out like me? How old are you and what do friendships look like now? Let’s chat.